Monday, December 31, 2007

告别2007。。。

再过不久,就要告别2007年了。此刻的你是否在倒数的人群中一同准备迎接新的一年?好想你,可是,我还有什么资格去关心你呢?我又凭什么关切你的一举一动呢?明知不该,却又按耐不住。。。怎么办?

2007年,对于我,真是个梦魇。这一年里,发生了太多事情--母亲死里逃生,离开了感情深厚的同仁到了一个失去自由的环境,结束了三年的感情,而如今家里更面临了棘手的问题。。。到底是我做错了什么,老天爷要如此惩罚我?虽然往好的一面去想,这是老天给我的人生历练,可是在不断跌入谷底时,又不禁往坏的方面去想。人就是这样,总是自我矛盾。

告别2007,真的得告别你吗?我是千万个不愿意。。。2008是否能够带来转机?我真的希望奇迹会出现。。。我真的不希望人生有多一个遗憾。。。可是,这可能吗?或许,只能在梦里。。。

可惜不是你。。。

昨晚观赏了梁静茹的“今天情人节”演唱会, 她的现场演唱实力不可忽视。演唱会上,她带来了多首脍炙人口的好歌,好些歌曲都让我感触良多。。。

梁静茹还是比较适合唱抒情歌曲,她的歌声深深地牵动了我的心。好几次,我不禁流下了眼泪。尤其当她唱道,“可惜不是你”时,她禁不住抽噎时,我的心更是往下沉。可惜在身旁一同观看演唱会的人不是你,可惜陪伴我共度余生的人不是你,可惜。。。

我有太多的可惜不是你。。。

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Mysterious Note Pad...

Received a mysterious Note pad in our mailbox recently. It was nicely gift wrapped but no attention party indicated. As there are 2 gals at home, we had no idea who the gift is meant for, my sis or me? My sister have been asking around and apparently, not from her friends. I find the hand writing very familiar but I wasn't too sure if the sender is... and to play safe, I dare not use the note pad as well. So, if you happened to be the sender, pls kindly drop me a note, else the note pad may end up lying around collecting dust for both my sis and I dare not use it as we have not idea who is the actual intended recipient.

Will post the photo of the note pad later...

Friday, December 28, 2007

TSL Altered Xmas Gift Exchange

After much delay, I finally received my Altered Xmas Gift from the TSL Altered Xmas Gift Exchange...

Boy, I'm sure lucky! I got the altered gift from Merlinda Aka Merelycreations in the TSL forum. Her creations are simply lovely and I sure love this altered gift from her. I wanna thank her for her wishes, I truly hope that my scrapping skills will take on to a higher level in Year 2008.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

This Christmas...

This year christmas is comparatively quiet, compared to past years. I no longer need to spend over hundred bucks of xmas presents for the whole bunch of colleagues, nor did I need to go to Zaodiac Xmas celebration, nor a separate celebration with ...

As our company has got a Xmas gift exchange, my colleague have no intention to give individual present. I gladly welcome it as I do have the mood to do Xmas shopping, so I decided to do some name tag cum xmas card as a last minute gift for them. As for the angels, all I got for them each, is a magnet with meaningful wordings which truly represents my thoughts, and a handmade card each. I actually have planned to make something else, but they were halfway done...

We had a company annual function lunch at Raffles City Convention Hall on Xmas eve. Although the function room is filled with cheery Xmas songs, and people are busy chatting, snapping photos, I felt lonely... Believe it or not, this is the first time I attended a co function, without taking photos with others (except the final co group photo), I only help others to take photos. No one has extended their invitation nor do I feel like asking , coz somehow I, simply am, very out of place.

People say when one is down with luck, everything bad will just come along, this is indeed very true for me. This is what others call, law of attraction, or law of murphy... I've broken the tradition of "new comers always win the top few prize in the co annual function" and got a consolation prize with lowest value. Followed by that, for not reason, a glass of red wine is spilled on me by my drunken manager when he tried to make me drink, with my new blouse and favourite Fila bag stained. And come to the last round of game which is of the concept of musical chair to unwrap the gift which has been wrapped in many layers when music stopped, I have opened at least 4-5 layers of the gift, but eventually the music stop just a second before the gift is passed to me and the lady to my right has won the gift instead.

After the function ended, I travelled to Jurong to for our annual Angel's Xmas Celebrationa, place that is so far and yet so familiar... We has originally planned to celebrate at Vivo; but worried of the crowd, and with Dor's intention to bring along her home made jelly hearts and chocolate fruit fondue, we eventually decided to go to Lilian's home instead.

Time flies, just 1 year's time, 呈呈 (Jaron) has grown so much taller... He is excited and eager for the xmas gift exchange for he happened to overheard our conversation with his mama and know that he'll be getting something that is relevant to his favourite character, Sponge Bob Square Pants. So we decide to let him have his presents first... We actually bought him something else as well...



























A rubber stamp with Jaron's English and Chinese name, and Sponge Bob Square Pants Bedsheet set...

And finally comes our gift exchange. No super duper expensive gifts, but each and every gift are selected whole-heartedly, or handmade with love. What a lovely christmas to be together with my beloved friends, and I'm glad that I neve abandon my dear pals during Xmas even when I'm in a relationship, else, this Xmas will probably be spent alone in my room, or roaming about in the street...

After we left Lilian's home, MF suggested that we go else where, ended up we went to West Coast McDonald till almost 2am... Surprising it was not so crowded. Was a bit sleepy by the time I reached home as the night before I almost did not sleep...

I wonder how you spend your Xmas, had a great time? I Hope so...

Saturday, December 22, 2007

An internal War...

Was at Toa Payoh Central/Toa Payoh Hub in the morning, this is the 2nd time I came to this area. The last time and in fact, my first time here is after paying the $2K deposit for a resale flat in Bedok Area, we spend half a day browsing/shopping around and even went to the library. Never did I expect, that is the very first and also very last time that we went to Toa Payoh HDB together...

Then meet up with Dor for lunch & go to Popular fair @ Suntec City. There are so much things to see around, but too little time as we need to rush off back to Tampines in the evening.

Went to Lighthouse Evangelism @ Tampines for the very 1st time. This is the 2nd time I attended a miracle healing. I can't recall when is the first time, only can remember that was during poly years when some clasmates suggested to go for this massive miracle healing session which is attended by this pastor from overseas. It was actually held in the national stadium. Miracle healing? No, yours eyes are not playing trick on you. Although I'm a Buddhism, basically I'm pretty open to going to other religious sites; be it Muslim mosque, Hindu temple, or Christian church. I would consider myself a free thinker that is more towards buddhism & taosim.

I thought I would see people crying / laughing aloud during the healing session. This is what I recalled from my previous session is where I suddenly see people around me weeping then crying aloud, etc, and the next moment, I saw some of them started to laugh wholeheartedly. Then follwed by their praises for the lord for helping them to cure their physical/social/emotional problems. And there was someone who used to depend on wheelchair, managed to walk. It simply seems unbelievable to me.

However, in this session, I see many people just quietly made their prayers while some "brothers" & "sisters" will walk around praying together and for them as well. The miracle healing has nil effect on me, guess it's bcoz I'm not ready to open the door of my heart to welcome anyone... guess no one can ever heal me except...

I do not know.... I really do not know, I can only depend on time, and myself to heal my wound... or, until the day I have lost all emotions...

While I thought I've slightly recover, I realised that insonmia is back on its way, looking for me... I hate it! I really hate it! I feel so tired but yet just can't get to sleep properly! While my brain tells me that I should let go but my heart just resisted me! Many times I try to fight back my tears but they are just beyond my control. This is an internal struggle inside me, an internal war of sense and sensibility, which no one else can help me...

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Webmail Access

Some friends tell me, it's best that you do not have access to your company ERP system or webmail, else you will tend to work at home and ended up, weekend or public holiday isn't spent relaxing but more taxing...

I know to a certain extend, it is true... but imagine if i do not have the co webmail access? Tomorrow when I open my email, I will see 195 emails in my inbox!!! Or maybe more, coz there will be somemore on the way later of the day afterall we are dealing with people from US as well. Although most of them do not need action from me as our company has group email and so I'm always in the loop of most emails, but it will take me at least half an hour to just go through the emails and filter those that need me to action on.

So, I wouldn't say that it is a blessing not having access to co webmail. Basically, I'm unable to reply those emails coz I do not have the access to the co ERP system. But, at least tomorrow morning, I won't be stressed by the many emails in my mailbox... Thank God!

Altered Xmas Pressie

Had registered to participate for the TSL Altered Xmas Pressie some time ago, but was totally in no mood to do altered art. And worse of all, had totally lost my mojo ever since the incident...

Finally managed to come out with an altered notebook, quite happy with the end product, but still find that something is missing, just can't figure out what had went wrong. Oh mojo, mojo, pls come back to me :(

Before Altering...



After Altering...


















Materials used:
PP from DCWV
Flower Trim
Multi-toned Ribbon
Prima Flower
Butterfly Quillettes from EK Success
Alpha Rub On (Random B&W) from MAMBI
Jumbo Java from Dew Drop to ink the borders of the note book

Sorry, my dear friends...

Met up with YL & PG on yesterday for a dinner. We went to 天津馆at Bras Basah Centre. It brought me back to the memories where we last had our teabreak there. I have never realised the existence or rather, never bother about the existence of this restaurant as I had the impression, price should be pretty steep over there, but surprisingly, their charges are rather reasonable. And the one that most melted our hearts and melted in our mouth is yet just a simple and cheap bun - 花卷 @ 70cts each.

Surprisingly, prices remains the same despite the GST hike. Tried several other dishes which are highly recommended by YL. Simple as they may seemed, like home cooked food, but taste fantastic; 清炒白洋菜& 红柿番茄炒蛋, and of coz their specialty dish, 饺子.

PG asked about why you did not join us for dinner, I do not know how to answer so just plainly said that you are busy with you work. She posed the same question again a while later, I was wondering if she has seen through anything through my eyes or through my tone. YL then step in, "Aiyo, they are always like that, usually on weekday, he'll be busy with his work while she'll be busy with her work." It is a relief to me to put this topic to an end.

Yes, closed friends know that we seldom met on weekdays, usually probably once over a weekend, and at times not even once a week when you are super busy. They always have the impression that we are both working very hard towards OUR furture, but, this probably had already, without our knowledge, planted a time bomb in our relationship.

Till date, I'm still unable to tell YL what has happened coz whenever I thought of her pressing me to quickly settle down and excitedly talking about being my bridesmaid, with many ideas in her mind. I can't bring myself telling her the truth, and seeing the shock on her face. I guess, over time, she will realised that we are distance apart and will be easier for her to accept it.

Same for JT, I also couldn't bring myself to tell her what I'm going through now, though she has sensed something wrong with my MSN nick and tried probing. Her previous failed relationship has brought much hurt to her that she lost over 15kg and even today, after 3-4 yrs, she is still suffering from depression and need to go for counselling. She had used to envy me, with such a caring and loving one, and had hoped that her current bf can be half as attentive. I'm not sure if my failed relationship will have any impact on her, but, I'm afraid, and will be guilty if it does...

Sometimes when JT compared you with her bf, she somehow showed a sense of sadness and insecurity... If a 2-way love can just broke off without signal, how about the relationship that she is having now? Many people do not think their relationship will last as it seems more of a 1-way love. Would my break off caused her to loose confidence in her current relationship (just like I used to have no faith in love due to the many broken relationship that I've seen around me)? And will this lead her to further depression? I cannot allow this to take chance.

I know YL & JT will probably be angry or even disappointed with me when they eventually get to know the truth one day. They will be angry / disappointed with me, depriving them the chance to stand by me at my most difficult time. But, pls forgive me, my friends, I love you...

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Tears Again

I was into tears again. This time, not for you; but for Morrie whom I never met. I cried for the death of a great teacher, I cried for the loss of a great coach in life. I was moved to tears by Morrie who share his thoughts, and his values in life,and make a distinction to other people's life even till his very last moments in his deathbed...

Had I "met" Morrie earlier, would things be different? Would I do things more correctly or carried myself in a more proper/positive manner? I would not be able to answer coz I cannot guarantee I will not forget the lessons learnt from Morrie. But, I may have minimized the times/chances of committing the same error again and again.

Human Beings are forgetful animals. We constantly need reminders to remind us again and again. So, if you think I have done things incorrectly and that there are some bad habits that you think that I really ought to kick away, pls remind me!!! I may be antagonized for that very moment, but usually awhile later after cooling down, I will do some self-reflection and try to change for better.

I won't be able to guarantee that I can change completely, but will try my best. Being my friends, pls do not keep quiet; but rather, remind me and knock some sense into me! That's what friends are for - telling you the truth though it hurts, but know it's for your own good...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

I'll Never Forget the Love That I Shared with You

I know that someday I'll get
used to the fact that we're
not together any more.
And that maybe we won't be...
ever again.

Time will tell.
In the meantime, though,
you may be away from my arms,
but you will never be
very far from my heart.

I know the love will never leave.
There are too many memories;
there were so many precious moments
and wonderful times
to ever try to forget...

And I just want you to know
that I will remember
for the rest of my days,
how you helped me find
some happiness and some truths and
how you opened some beautiful doors.

I'll never forget
how good it was
to share a part of my life
with yours.

Poem by Collin McCarty

This poem is probably best at describing my current feelings. I'm trying hard to let go as it seems to be the only way out for me and best for you... I know one day I will accept and get used to the fact that we are no longer together; I told myself I'll forget you someday, but I know it's probably impossible, coz the memories of our moments together will always be buried deep in my heart... I thank you for all the things that you've ever done for me, and wish you happiness...

Youth Expedition Project (Project Mettaheart Laos 08)

Just received an email from Volunteer Resource Network (VRN) recruiting volunteers to Laos. I would very much like to go if given the chance... I think this will give a greater meaning in life...
However, this opportunity does not seem to come at the right timing for me, coz I have a more important agenda to attend to, at this moment. I hope I'll be able to participate in similar activities soon.

Do not mistaken that I wanted to join this expedition is to escape from what I'm going through right now, bcoz I know I will need to face the harsh reality be it willing or not. Whatever I'm going through may be misery for me, but what is my misery compared to these unfortunate ones in the 3rd world countries?

I just feel like doing a part, to contribute a little of what I can, and adding some love and colours to the world.

Monday, December 17, 2007

When weekend comes...

It has never been so tough when weekend comes... In the past, I would have been busy surfing TSL Scrapbooking Forum, doing my yahoo auction listing, checking email inbox and replying to emails, and looking forward to the once a week meet up during weekends...

But for the past few weeks, I spent my weekends with tears, remorse and regrets; and with friends whom tried so hard to cheer me up and making me guilty to cause them worry...

Hmm... how did I spend my last weekend? Meeting up with SL on Fri, doing a bit of "shopping" to divert myself? Packing up my room/stuff on Sat, watching the ghost show alone in the living room and rushing to bed with a sense of fear, and on Sun?

I spent almost 4 hrs at Laines Papeterie at the paint album class, doing up an 8" x 8" album cover, which incorporates the different techniques in painting, stamping, embossing, pop-up effect, etc...

Thereafter, I spend almost 1/2hr slowly strolled from Orchard to Dobby Ghaut. Along the way, I can see that Xmas decos have been fully done up and there are nicely painted dustbins along the streets. This is such a lovely sight which I normally would not hesitate taking out my camera to snap photos. I do have my camera with me, but had no mood for photography. I chose to walk along the path whereby there are lesser crowd as walking among the crowd, I can only feel a sense of loneliness in the cheery atmosphere...

Along the way, I popped by Kiliney Post office to drop a post to one buyer. To my surprise, there is a corner outside the post office whereby paintings are showed case for sale. There are several nice ones, some for set of 3 at $600, or $300/pc. If you love arts, you may like to pop by to take a look? I wonder if the paintings are for sale over the weekend only. This I will not be able to advise you, sorry...

Reached Plaza Sing drenched in the rain, and I spent another 1/2hr queuing to redeem the Capital land mall vouchers using credit card points, the long queue is due to the many shoppers redeeming lucky draws coupons and gifts for making purchase upon certain amount.

I was shopping aimlessly to get the Xmas gift for the co gift exchange and had no idea what to get. Had wanted to get some presents for the angels but was not really in the mood to do shopping. But eventually finally managed to find something suitable to express my gratitude to the angels, small but I felt, is meaningful, and I hope they will like it. Before I know it, it's 6pm and I never felt any hunger despite only having a few bites of instant noodles in the morning. Since when I know not the feeling of hunger? Is it good or bad? I dunno, mayb not so bad afterall, coz I have more than enough fats to burn off and I definitely would not die of hunger, haha...

Picked up a book that has been lying in my room for several months to read during the MRT/Bus journey - "Tuesday with Morrie", a book whom is highly recommended by several friends. And here my new journey begins with Morrie... I've yet finished the book, but it's sure enlightening... I'll share my review on the book and lessons learnt after finishing the book. Had I read this book earlier, would things have turned out differently?

Back to home, I checked my email inbox and saw an email from Z, he has written to console me, but somehow it affected me once again. Anyway, thanks for consoling, sharing and offering your listening ears, I really do appreciate that... I will try my best to let go...

Finally calmed down and cooked a simple dinner for the sibling since dad and mom are out to attend the wedding dinner of my cousin in Singapore. I refused to join dad and mom coz I predicted what question will be targetted at me by the relatives should I attend the dinner. It sucks to be reminded of the pain that I'm going through right now.

Tiredness penetrated and I finally fall into the dreamland much earlier than expected... Or am I already in the transit, preparing to let go, as such, my mind is finally able to rest much at peace? This, I still could not figure out...

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Survival Test

Have been having restless nights for the past few weeks, after 2-4hrs of sleep, I will just wake up and no matter how hard I tried to get back to sleep, I can't, even though I'm very tired. Is this considered insonmia?

I'm having difficulty in concentrating on my work becoz of severely lack of sleep and this is real bad... I hate to have my work affected by personal issues, becoz I always believed that one should be professional enough to put aside personal issues from work. Just like the last time, I rather rush between work and hospital to take care of my mom, trying to minimise work disruption, be it how tired I am. But, I do not know how to tune back my biology clock!!!

I finally managed to sleep for 7hrs last night, I guess I was really worn out by the many issues that is happening around me - relationship, family, work or health. So, for once, my biology clock decide to give in...

Is this heaven's will to put me through a survival test to have all the bad things coming to me at the same time? I should think so...

It's really tough, and I'm really torn apart. I know I need to be strong, no matter how vulnerable I am, coz I know, I need to be the one putting things back in place for the family to survive through this crisis.

Friday, December 14, 2007

好累…

这些日子以来,总无法好好地入眠… 即使每晚把自己弄得疲惫不堪入睡,倒了半夜却总是自动起身,接下来便无法好好安睡。翻来覆去,到了开始有睡意时,却已到了该上班的时间…

工作时忙得不可开交,本应无暇去胡思乱想;但不知怎么的,突然会有一阵阵心痛的感觉。那一刹那,我感觉难过的快要死掉!

我好累… 这样的日子,我还要过多久?我不能再消沉下去,却又不由自主地沉沦下去… 泪水又再度包围着我…

Thursday, December 13, 2007

You came for a REASON, a SEASON or LIFETIME?

A friend shared with me this article, I find it real meaningful. Sent at this timing, this passage seems to be delivering some message to me... And with this, I would like to thank all who have came into my life, be it for a reason, a season or lifetime.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually
to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide
you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our
need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because
your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things
you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson,
love the person and put what you have
learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you
were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I've always thought that you came for lifetime, but never did I expect, you came just for a season, or probably for a reason.... I do not know how to distinguish between the two, but all I know, you will not be here with me for lifetime...

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

A Little Encouragement

Today, while OT-ing, my sales told me something that gives me a bit of encouragement. Working here has been rather stressful for me as I'm simply racing for time and most times do not have chance to breathe...

He told me that a few customers of one of my major accounts has given good comment on my work performance. This has been encouraging esp the feedback is from one of the more difficult to deal with customer.

With this, I hope it motivates me to try a bit harder to adapt to this working environment. It is supposed to be a cozy small office but somehow, the atmosphere is always filled with a sense of stringence and the place is seemed to be strictly a "work place". I guess this is the reason of seeing new comers just come and go in less than 3 months, and some, as short as a week.

I usually have no difficulty in adapting to new environment, 1-2 months is all I need at most. But now, here I am in the new co, for almost 4 months, there's still "something" that I do not like about the place which I am not able to describe. Hmm... just try my best bah, I'll give myself another few more months' time to adapt to this place, if not, I probably need to take a long break and seriously consider what i want in life...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Something that melts my heart...

Today I received the below in my mailbox.


















It was actually meant to look like this as the buttons have fallen off...


















It is a piece of rush work from my dear who meant to cheer me up with this smiley face before rushing off to Beijing for her biz trip. This really melts my heart. I'm sure thankful that I'm surrounded by loving friends like her... Thanks for being supportive and giving me all the moral support that I needed so. Without you gals, I can't imagine how life goes on...

The same goes to my dear family members. Sorry to make Papa stay up the night worrying abt me and making Mama shed tears with me.... and thanks sis for all the morale support... We may be squabbling most times, but love never fail to bind us together, be it good or bad times...

Monday, December 10, 2007

当局者迷

明知道,不该再想你、不该再为你流泪、更不该再为你心痛,可是还是无法自控…
明知道,没有结果、没有奇迹、却依然暗自祈祷…
傻!只有一个“傻”字,足以形容这样的行为。

许多时候,当我们身为局外人时,总是可以很冷静的帮别人分析状况。
但,当自己陷入其中时,这才发现所有的逻辑思考完全派不上用场。
人,就是这样自相矛盾的动物。

口口声声、苦口婆心地劝着朋友不要再跌入痛苦的深渊;为她担忧,为她心疼…
但,自己却难以自拔,深陷其中,这,就叫做当局者迷。

[注] 丽:如果你现在在读我的部落格,就请你清醒点吧!如果说,他不爱你,即使硬凑在一起,也不会有结果的。当你越陷越深,痛苦就越多。我不希望你再为他泪流并陷入与我相同的处境,乘着现还有些许清醒,离开那个不属于你的他,寻找属于自己的幸福。我不希望世上多了个心痛的傻子…我也正很努力摆脱这个恶魇,让我们一起努力吧!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

A Touching Song -- Would You Be There?

I can't recall who sent to me this song and when it was sent to me, but recently, when I came acoss this song, it sure touches my heart and make me tears everytime I listen to it...

Did a bit of research on this song and realised that this song is by Redwan Ali from Singapore, and was actually the OST of drama Mars vs Venus by Mediacorp. Realised that in various forums, people are calling for Redwan Ali to cut an album. Seriously, his voice is rather nice and songs are nice. If you agree that he should cut an album, pls sign the petition @ http://www.petitionspot.com/signature/redwanali

And this is my petition for him:



If I were blue, would you be there for me,
And whisper in my ears that's ok.
Would you stand by me, let me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time.

If I feel good would you slow dance with me
And touch my lips with tender loving care
Would you die for me would you run with me
And never look back

Would you be there to love to be with me
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you'll always be the one
To take my breath away

Would you be there to love to be with me
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you'll always be the one
To take my breath away
Would you be there

If I'm away would you still think of me
And wish that you could hold me now (Hold me now)
Would you die for me would you run with me
All the way

Would you be there to love to be with me
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you'll always be the one
To take my breath away

Would you be there to save my soul tonight (Save my soul tonight)
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you'll always be there
To kiss my pain away

Would you be there to love to be with me
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you'll always be the one
To take my breath away

Would you be there to save my soul tonight (Save my soul tonight)
Would you swear that your love is always true
Would you say that you'll always be there
To kiss my pain away

Would you be there
For me

I guess many people would very much want to dedicate this song to their loved ones, but now I can only dedicate to my new found friend, bear bear, which is given by my dear "angel pals" as I know the answer is simply negative for me...

谢谢你们,朋友!

今天Dor与“大姐”到访,带来了这只大熊熊。这只熊熊是天使帮(般)的姐妹们带来慰藉我那受伤的心,令我感动不已,再度落泪。这是大熊供我抱着入梦,伤心时可抱着痛哭流涕。感谢你们,在这段日子,没有追问我一切原由,却默默地在旁支持着我。

还有,Lina,SL,Fanny及Cyn,感谢你们的关怀与鼓励。我不敢想象没有朋友的日子要这么过,所幸,我身旁有许多爱护我的朋友,有你们在身旁我相信我一定能够度过这一关…

不要问我佳期何时…

这一刻,我最害怕听到的便是,“你几时结婚啊?记得提早通知喔。”听到这一句,我的心便往下沉… 我不知要如何回应因为这一刻将不会到来,也永远不会到来。对于好友,我勉强忍住心中的痛,坦诚我俩已分手。对于泛泛之交,我唯有选择装疯卖傻,回说“不知道耶”,可是我能说多久?

来临的新年,我也只能选择逃避,害怕亲朋好友的关怀又再次触痛我的伤,更没有勇气面对大家惋惜及同情的目光。如果这一刻,身为朋友的你在读我的部落格,请多多照顾我的心情,不要追问为什么。如果我想对你说,自然会对你说;如果我选择沉默,请多多体谅我,谢谢!

如果有一天…

如果有一天,我能够实现我的梦想之一,开间小小的咖啡座。我要将它命名为《伤心咖啡座》。

让伤心的灵魂、失意的人儿,有个落脚的地方。在这里,他们可以放肆嚎哭,不用理会旁人的眼光。在这里,他们可以用音乐来治疗心灵上的创伤。在这里,他们可以借着纸与笔抒发内心的情感。如果需要,我可以借我的肩膀,借我的双耳,慰藉他们。

如果真有一天,《伤心咖啡座》成立,我希望,它能够造福伤心的灵魂、失意的人儿… 但,我更宁愿这间咖啡座冷清的播着音乐,只需慰藉我个人的心灵就好…

不再期待爱情…

从来就不敢相信爱情,
尤其周遭感情破裂的例子太多太多…

虽然一直憧憬爱情、幻想爱情、期待爱情,
却很怕受伤害…

要陷入其中,我鼓起莫大的勇气,
你声声地承诺,你会用一生的时间,
换取我所有的信任,
就这样,你融化了我的心。

然而,
你却在我期待与你步入另一个人生的旅程时,
粉碎了我的梦!
这才惊醒,
爱情的完美结局,
不会发生在我身上。

不再期待爱情,
不愿他人度闯入我的心房,
让我再度受到伤害,
我的心,无力承受…

不再期待婚姻,
只期盼三十五岁的到来,
一个人、一间屋、朋友相伴,
平淡的生活…

认清…

很高兴今天终于提起勇气面对你,认清一切,做个了结…

没有我的你,明显的容光焕发,比以前快乐许多;不禁令我分不清,究竟是你在折磨我,还是我在折磨你?

再次面对你,我的泪水又无法受控制,欲言又止…

这些月来,你不止一次对我说我们之间在沟通上出了问题,你明明知道问题所在,却不愿告诉我。拖了半年却突然在这段感情上画下句点,说你已经尽了力去挽回这段感情,却徒然无功;为了不再浪费彼此的时间,决定分手。

质问你,明明知道问题所在,却不愿告诉我,这叫做尽了力去挽回这段感情?你才说,你并无勇气与我一起坦然面对问题所在。如果说,你真的在乎这段情的话,你会选择逃避问题吗?如果说,你有意愿与我共同踏入人生的另一个旅程,你会选择不正视问题吗? 如果说,我们正的要共同踏入人生的另一个旅程,如若无法一起面对问题又怎能一起面对未来?

你所谓的没有勇气面对问题,是你没勇气告诉我此情不再,决定分手;而不是没勇气告诉我问题所在,并一起尝试给彼此多一个机会。从你的言语中,我突然悟出你根本无意捍卫我们的爱情,因为爱情不曾存在!你对我仅存感激!感激我在你空虚的时刻,慰藉你寂寞的心灵;感激我在你人生低潮时伴你度过难关;感激我在你事业上给予无限的支持。感激不是爱情,在没有感情的基础上,你又如何能够寻回所谓失去的“爱的感觉”?所以,不论你多努力“尝试”,你都无法寻回所谓失去的“爱的感觉”;这段感情更不会开花结果…

一直天真的以为,自己是个幸运儿,有一个对我疼爱有加,关怀备至,处处包容的男友,原来这只是我一厢情愿!原来,这一切,只为了回报我的爱?

是你让不相信爱情的我,慢慢开始相信爱情,更对婚姻产生了憧憬与期待;但,你也一手将一切摧毁,让我跌入谷底。

在进入这段感情前,我已一再表明我不是一个完美的人及种种缺点,你却一再担保你不介意;分手时,你却把这一切列入致命点当中,并推说你已竭尽所能(不正视问题叫做尽力吗?)。在工作上,你极度有责任并专业;对家人,你更是无话可说,备爱有致;但,爱的道路上,你只不过是个逃兵;而你爱的,只是自己…

你伤害的不仅是我,更伤害了我的家人… 你的残酷,令我心如刀割… 我决定今夜过后不再为你流泪,因为你不值得!今夜过后,我的泪只会为了我的愚蠢…永恒的爱情情节只会发生在童话故事里,在现实的世界根本不存在! 愚蠢的可以,竟以为奇迹回发生在我身上!

凤:对不起,你提早准备的贺婚礼物将派不上用场,因为根本不会实现;现在不会,以后也不会…

Friday, December 7, 2007

受害者?

写了那么多,我无意摆出受害者的姿态以博取同情… 这只是我抒发感情的途径;我并非一个善于表达自己的人,只有在文字的空间,我可以大肆畅谈我的内心世界。

我知道,这段感情的破裂,我亦必须负一部分的责任,我也有我的不是。不希望大家把矛头指向你一人,这对你亦不公平。希望你不会转为受害者,对不起…

原創:钻石 = 永恒?


Thursday, December 6, 2007

我很痛苦,但很幸福…

一段感情的逝去,
虽然让我很痛苦,
却也让我感到加倍的幸福…


原本,这本该是我俩的事,
但却把周遭的亲人及朋友拖下水…

家人为我的伤心而伤心,

并时时鼓励我走出阴霾;
朋友为我的痛苦而担忧,
并给予无限的支持;

失去一个我爱的人,
但却拥有许多爱我的人,
虽然痛苦,却很幸福…

[注]
亲爱的家人及朋友,
请你们放心,
我一定会勇敢走下去,
只是三年的感情,
不是说放就放,
请给我多一点时间,

有你们的相扶相持,
我一定能渡过难关!

习惯

每逢夜晚时刻,
总难免拿起手机,
等待你的来电,

好几次,
好想按下你的手机号码,
却在最后一刻退缩了,

已经习惯每晚听听你的声音,
已经习惯每晚向你道晚安,
从今以后,要学着习惯,
不再习惯有你…

我以为…

我以为我可以坚强,
原来坚强并不容易;
我以为我可以洒脱,
原来洒脱只是假装;
我以为我可以遗忘,
原来只是自欺欺人;
当你再次浮现脑海里,
我的心,再次抽痛,
我再度败给了眼泪…

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

我被正式录取了!

“我被正式录取了!” 这原本应该是值得高兴的事,我却不置可否。不晓得,我是否会为接下来的工作而透不过气。既然被正式录取了,就决定给自己多几个月的时间来适应。如若呆不下去,我也不想勉强。祝,好运!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

忘情水

今天经过一间泡泡茶店,看到冰沙精选饮料单上有一口,“忘情水”。很好奇,“忘情水”的滋味到底如何?喝过了“忘情水”,又是否能够忘情?

“忘情水”带有一点的绿茶的苦涩;清凉的泊菏口味有点辣辣的味道;还有那不知名的口味,带出酸溜溜的感觉;口味倒满符合名称。在企图忘情的时刻,过往的酸甜苦辣都不禁涌上心头…哈哈,好一杯忘情水!

“啊… 给我一杯忘情水
换我一夜不流泪
所有真心真意
任它雨打风
吹付出的爱收不回


啊… 给我一杯忘情水
换我一生不伤悲
就算我会喝醉 就算我会心碎
不会看见我流泪”

Monday, December 3, 2007

无题

再过几天便是三个月的试用期的期限,说实在的实在没有把握能够通过使用期…

从来没有那么没信心到谷底;三个月来,难免犯错,然而这几天犯错连连,错得我都不好意思,错得我都无地自容…

已经很努力不把私人的情绪带到工作上,然而,似乎仍有点有心无力… 所幸同事们都仅是以为连日来工作上的压力让我精神紧绷…

说实在的,若不被录取,我或许会更松一口气,下定决心辞职,无需留恋花红。虽然工作时间短了,我的压力却相对的增加了,我的不开心也增加了。我无法再象从前一样,与同事乐融融;一同分享我的喜怒哀乐。

当初放弃了即将到手的年底花红及大幅度的减薪,为的是想要多些私人时间陪伴家人及… 如今,一切已无所谓了。反正做的不开心,我想为自己而活,因为做人实在太累了,为人而活更累;我好想好好睡一觉,有时甚至很偏激的想,若能长眠不醒,也未尝是件坏事…

Sunday, December 2, 2007

“甜梦”吧,宝贝…

从那晚开始,
就不曾好好睡眠,
每每躺在床上,
便有万千思绪涌上来…

从那晚开始,
不再需要长时间睡眠,
以往十分依赖闹钟,
如今身理时钟自动起身,

从那晚开始,
隔天不再在巴士上打瞌睡,
尽管睡眠不足…

希望今晚开始,
能够好好安睡,
不再受烦忧困扰,
“甜梦”吧,宝贝…

重新出发

我决定,
要收拾起心情,
虽然心仍痛着…

我决定,
要收拾起包袱,
不再回首从前…

地球不会为你的离去;
又或我的感伤,
而停止转动…
时间也不会因此停留…

我决定,
就从今天开始,
将痛苦埋葬心底,
从新出发…

但愿神赐给我力量,
不再轻易落泪,
勇敢面对未来…

Saturday, December 1, 2007

不对你说,“恨你”

不对你说,“恨你”,
恨,亦只能恨自己…

恨自己打开心房,
让你闯入我的世界;
恨自己深信不疑,
你的诺言会实现;
恨自己梦想天开,
以为你是我的未来;

原来一切都是梦…
原来一切都是空…

爱的尽头是恨,
但,有恨,即有爱,
我要如何做到无爱、无恨?
届时,便是“再见亦是朋友”时…