Saturday, December 22, 2007

An internal War...

Was at Toa Payoh Central/Toa Payoh Hub in the morning, this is the 2nd time I came to this area. The last time and in fact, my first time here is after paying the $2K deposit for a resale flat in Bedok Area, we spend half a day browsing/shopping around and even went to the library. Never did I expect, that is the very first and also very last time that we went to Toa Payoh HDB together...

Then meet up with Dor for lunch & go to Popular fair @ Suntec City. There are so much things to see around, but too little time as we need to rush off back to Tampines in the evening.

Went to Lighthouse Evangelism @ Tampines for the very 1st time. This is the 2nd time I attended a miracle healing. I can't recall when is the first time, only can remember that was during poly years when some clasmates suggested to go for this massive miracle healing session which is attended by this pastor from overseas. It was actually held in the national stadium. Miracle healing? No, yours eyes are not playing trick on you. Although I'm a Buddhism, basically I'm pretty open to going to other religious sites; be it Muslim mosque, Hindu temple, or Christian church. I would consider myself a free thinker that is more towards buddhism & taosim.

I thought I would see people crying / laughing aloud during the healing session. This is what I recalled from my previous session is where I suddenly see people around me weeping then crying aloud, etc, and the next moment, I saw some of them started to laugh wholeheartedly. Then follwed by their praises for the lord for helping them to cure their physical/social/emotional problems. And there was someone who used to depend on wheelchair, managed to walk. It simply seems unbelievable to me.

However, in this session, I see many people just quietly made their prayers while some "brothers" & "sisters" will walk around praying together and for them as well. The miracle healing has nil effect on me, guess it's bcoz I'm not ready to open the door of my heart to welcome anyone... guess no one can ever heal me except...

I do not know.... I really do not know, I can only depend on time, and myself to heal my wound... or, until the day I have lost all emotions...

While I thought I've slightly recover, I realised that insonmia is back on its way, looking for me... I hate it! I really hate it! I feel so tired but yet just can't get to sleep properly! While my brain tells me that I should let go but my heart just resisted me! Many times I try to fight back my tears but they are just beyond my control. This is an internal struggle inside me, an internal war of sense and sensibility, which no one else can help me...

1 comment:

  1. I really dunno how to console you..as you know..I'm not good with words..I may not know what you are going through cos' my Love is still a blank piece of paper..

    But do open your heart and listen...I'm sure you will feel relieved soon.

    Regards,
    Shanice

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